crap journal

im depressed. its been so long since ive felt this way. since before school started probably. it just feels like every attempt i make to do something fun turns out to be a complete and udder disappointment. everythings so goddamn boring. im being completely honest when i say that staying home, listening to NPR, playing chess on the internet (even though i suck), and watching that occasional movie with my mom, is way more fun than going out with my friends. and its not my friends. and i dont think its what we're doing. its me. shamaila says i haven't found my 'happy place' yet. whatever that means. i thought i had. so help me god, if my happy place is with my parents, npr, and chess, ill die a lonely old lady. and it seems like everyone else is really living it up right now. well, not everyone. but i really loathe highschool. im not sad all the time or anything, just bored. nothing interesting happens. and i dont fake being happy or sad or anything, im just a big dud. i dont know why anyone likes me. for all i know, they dont. and thats okay. i really dont care that much. thats another thing, i dont care if people like me. i NEVER use to be like that. isnt that weird? well im going to go read sarah's journal now, and wish i had her writing ability, and then i'll probably play chess. then i'll eat some junk food and maybe take a nap. then i'll try and study math with my mom, for my test tomorrow, and we'll get in a big fight. then i'll cry. and then i'll come and play chess again. there will be 3-4 new messages on my machine which i wont listen to until tomorrow night, when i'll be doing the exact same thing as today. [and so it goes]


	* * * * * * * * * * * * * * 3.3.02 12.14 pm im depressed. its been so long since ive felt this way. since before school started probably. it just feels like every attempt i make to do something fun turns out to be a complete and udder disappointment. everythings so goddamn boring. im being completely honest when i say that staying home, listening to NPR, playing chess on the internet (even though i suck), and watching that occasional movie with my mom, is way more fun than going out with my friends. and its not my friends. and i dont think its what we're doing. its me. shamaila says i haven't found my 'happy place' yet. whatever that means. i thought i had. so help me god, if my happy place is with my parents, npr, and chess, ill die a lonely old lady. and it seems like everyone else is really living it up right now. well, not everyone. but i really loathe highschool. im not sad all the time or anything, just bored. nothing interesting happens. and i dont fake being happy or sad or anything, im just a big dud. i dont know why anyone likes me. for all i know, they dont. and thats okay. i really dont care that much. thats another thing, i dont care if people like me. i NEVER use to be like that. isnt that weird? well im going to go read sarah's journal now, and wish i had her writing ability, and then i'll probably play chess. then i'll eat some junk food and maybe take a nap. then i'll try and study math with my mom, for my test tomorrow, and we'll get in a big fight. then i'll cry. and then i'll come and play chess again. there will be 3-4 new messages on my machine which i wont listen to until tomorrow night, when i'll be doing the exact same thing as today. [and so it goes] OLD BACK