crap journal [old]

ah, a four day weekend. i bask in it's glory. im going through some sort of antisocial rebirth. its GREAT. i know it sounds dumb, but it really is great. i've been spending a lot of time alone. at home mostly. its like im a little kid again. you start finding all these things around the house that make you happy. and you start finding all these things you actually LIKE to do that dont involve human interaction. like making up weird stories. i keep writing all this really messed up stuff on the computer. i think im going to turn in one of my stories for my english paper. ill probably get a c, but i kind of like the story. i duno. maybe its a bad idea. im outtie.

im hongray. for some chocolates. if i wasn't so damned lazy i'd go to the grocery store or the gas station and get a candy bar right now. but i look like shit. im wearing these big oversized gray sweatpants with a red long sleeved t-shirt from old navy that use to belong to my little cousin a couple years ago when he was 12 or something. and i really dont feel like changing. what they need is drivethru candybar places. thats right. for all us fat asses who have no junk food in the house. and the place could have ALLLL kinds of candy. all kinds. *drools*

well this weekend has been a multitude of suckiness [generally speaking]. i saw TOMMY friday night, which, don't get me wrong, wasnt bad.. but wasnt great either. most musicals take awhile to get into though. i mean, the first time i heard the RENT soundtrack i hated it. now i love it. anyway, i was so fucking bored today i couldnt even explain it if i tried. it was one of those boredoms where no matter what you can think of everything just sounds boring. i finally ended up going to barnes & nobles and reading SPIN magazine, with no intention of buying it, but i ending up getting it anyway. i dont normally go to barnes & nobles, i think its kind of overrated, but i had nothing to do. and i really wanted to read SPIN magazine. they did a small expose on dashboard confessional [the main reason i ended up buying it] and i finally got to see a pic of chris carrabba up close. his voice doesnt match his face at all. and im kinda tired of all these magazines focusing purely on the meaning of the lyrics. i mean, cant you just like something for the music of it? i duno. i guess its kinda hard to write a 2 page article describing how you just like the music. i wouldnt know. la de da. still bored. i think i'll go play MYST. or sims. you know, the usual.

i havent been THIS bored in a real long time. it feels like its been saturday night for an eternity. and thats just sad. im so bored. im so bored im so bored. ive been college crazy these days. i had this big fascination with boston university, but my mom seems to think it isnt worth the price. NYU, however, is a different story. she thinks that if i can get in, shell pay for me to go there. im really picking deadend careers here. and the whole scaryness of being alone, soley ALONE... alone alone ALONE in new york, ALONE, really kinda hit me today. who would i talk to? what would i do for fun? i always kinda pictured myself (this is sad) getting drunk and semi-partying in college... but i'd be.... ALONE. hrm. is it worth it? i dont know. i just dont know.

you know what bothers me? how teenagers have some uncontrollable infatuation with who's 'the' better driver. who flipping cares?! im so sick of hearing who's bad and who's good, because we all suck. i dont have the fast response common sense to be a good driver and everyone else speeds/tailgates/etc etc. we all suck. ALL OF US. yes, even you. talk to any teenager and they'll think theyre a better driver than their friends. im so sick of it. its like a freaking conversation topic every 10 freaking minutes and its so damn boring. youll have to excuse me- im bitter. i gotta zit that hurts. one of those you get all emotional from. and im a little bothered cause i didnt get my hair done this weekend. it hurts to look at it, its so ugly. i couldnt get ahold of my hairdresser. i think she might be in the hospital. she was sick wednesday, shes usually really reliable and we havent heard from her since wed. its kinda scary.

hi. im going crazy. im obsessing over elijah to an abnormal extent. a physchiatrist would have a field day with me. i think its the months of deprivated male attention. today, for example, this EXTREMELY attractive guy (i think his name is ted. bad name, i know) was at church today. this guy is one i've been eyeing for like a year. when i see him i just sit there and stare. one time he caught me looking at him like 12 times. i was utterly embarrassed. let me describe him to you. he's a junoir, like moi, he's REALLY tall, at least 6 feet. and he isnt really skinny, or fat. he's got black hair, thats kinda long, not long long, but not short and it just kinda sits on his head in a toppled mess (sometimes he spikes it). he kinda has that scruffy 5 oclock shadow look, and really really really light blue or green eyes. i duno which. i havent gotten close enough to see really. he always wears bandish tshirts and baggy pants. sometimes he dresses up for church. even then, he still looks indiefied. (not a word). he could be a model. literally. if i saw him in a magazine i would be like 'damn'. anyway, i was so pumped up on something today i almost walked over to him in church, sat down next to him, and started talkin to him. i was like this <> freaking close. i dont know what stopped me, but whatever it was im very glad it did because that boy is so out of my league its not even funny. so thank god for self conciousness. i think. my church is going to chicago this summer and if he signs up, i am too. im pathetic. but i wanna go to chicago anyway, and he'd be a good enough reason right? so cross your fingers for me- that he'll sign up and all. no really. cross them.

well school started back up again. you dont realize how imprisoning that shithole is until you get back. i wasnt 'excited' to start again, persay, but i wasnt unexcited either. then, by second period i was all sad and dampered up. oakridge really turns you into somebody you arent. only those of you who have been there understand that. but that aside, it was an amazing day. my grades were sky-fucking-rocket higher than what i expected (that made no sense) which sent me through the roof. i was expecting a c in history and i got a b. a B! and i was expecting a D on my comp sci final and i got an A-. you explain it. it makes NO sense. and if i was anyone but myself right now, i would be bitching mr cocharo out about how unfair his grading scale is. hum diggity. what to talk about. im so damn tired. i went to bed at 3 last night- which i normally cant do w/o barfing when i wake up. but i was fine this morning, so i was proud. now im tired but not in a sleepy way, more in a drained sort of way and i really feel like playing sims so after this im not going to sleep. plus ive got my plans to make for the weekend, seeing how tomorrow IS friday. (YAY RAH!) im excited. ill probably be spending most of my weekend with Lij. my new boyfriend. those of you who dont know him his full name is elijah wood. i met him in spin magazine on the airplane to my dads house. we hit it off instantly. but now he's depressing me because everytime i look at his sexily beautiful little face i get no response from him. its like im standing in the middle of some 12 yr old's dead-end fantasy. it sucks. especially when you have a vivid enough imagination to make yourself believe the unimaginable. coming back down to reality can be a real hard hit, especially when your on some stupid superstar kick. fuck that poop dood. im tired of these famous bastards. damn the man. im taking over the big screens yo.

im kinda depressed. ive never really wanted a boyfriend this bad. but its not that i want a boyfriend, im not bottom-scraping. im hopeless. because the kind of boyfriend i want doesnt exist, and its very very sad. i know what youre thinking, 'do you want some crackers with that whine', but i dun care. if youre taking the time to read this stupid worthless poo then you can listen to this mushy bullshit. actually im done. im excited about opening presents for xmas. but im NOT excited about going to my dads. in fact, im dreading it. its going to be the most boring thing ever and i really dont want to go. im also sad because sham's at a mala tonite and we can't watch blindate/elimidate/5th wheel, as it has come to be our tradition. ::sigh:: im sad. im okay though. i want an ep player. REAL bad. if you know any info on them im me or something, or email me. cause i really really want one. i have every intention of buying one after xmas with the money i dont have. god this little writing session is a complete bore and im trying to think of something good to end it with, but i cant. im also not finished bitching come to think of it. alright get this. [forewarning- more sappy whiney boring crap] greg asks me to go to his shows, and his band practices and whatnot. but i dont get it. he has a pretty girlfriend and a bunch of friends, who i dont think think that much of me, and he acts as if its a big deal if i go. i dont think he wants me there for the add on of one extra person either, or he wouldnt invite me to his band practice. i dont know why im talking about this- it just crossed my mind. i dont like people like that. bc while its a compliment in all respects, its not any compliment that you can pull enjoyment out of. it just sits there in the back of your mind, while you wonder what it means and whether or not its just a bunch of crap. i am bored out of my fucking mind. blah blah blah blah. adventure club sucked tonite.

i have my physics final tomorrow. i quit studying because i got so fucking frustrated i started crying. yes, im a baby. so im sitting here now, eating my taco bueno, listening to adventure club and im COMPLETELY overcome with this sense of accomplishment because im starting to find a lot of music BEFORE its played on adventure club. just now they started playing wearing thin by further seems forever, a band i found months ago. its a great feeling. so im no longer frustrated and once i finish my din din im going to go back and finish my physics. or try anyhow. im riding fully on the hope that beam wont clear the memory on our calculators because, im sorry, but im just not fucking smart enought to memorize like 20 equations. so wish me luck, i'll need it. c's are intolerable. i hope something fun happens over the break. it wont now, because i just said that. i jinx everything with my big mouth. ... punk kind of... sucks.

its saturday night. i should be out having fun, but i've got finals breathing down the back of my neck. i just spent my whole day christmas shopping. it wasnt fun. usually i dont dislike buying presents, but it just... wasnt fun this year. im worried i bought for all the wrong people. i try to base my list off of who i think will buy me gifts. i duno tho. i might have wasted my money. im so tired and bored. i cant wait until xmas break. im planning on refiguring the money i have, then taking whats left over to go buy slutty clothes and try REALLY and futilely hard to attract male attention. wow. the way i worded that sounded seriously depressing. i saw sarah's james at hot topic today. he works there. i felt like a moron. i was like... " are you james?" there was an awkward pause before he pointed to the extremely LARGE nametag hanging from his neck. 'james'. ... *neon billboard with arrows pointing --> THIS IS JAMES* whatevah. i dun care. word. its getting late. almost 10. i should go to bed now.

well im suppose to be at school but i didnt really feel like going today. damn math test and such. oh well, its not like i skip very much at all. so im just sitting at home playing sims (yes, sims) and downloading music. im absolutely in love with jimmy eat world. i just keep downloading random songs of theirs and they are ALL great. it kinda makes me wish i woulda realized this BEFORE the concert. oh well. everything works out this way. jimmy eat world isnt that popular. people know who they are but not many people have their cd. ya know, i bet theyre wondering why they arent as popular as other bands. and they probably just assume its because they arent as good. but thats not true see. theyre sooo good. theyre better than like 99% of all the other mainstream crap. so, i hope they know that. i bet its pretty draining if they dont.

i hate christmas. no. i fucking hate it. i've been in a stupor of depression all day due to the fact that its december. all christmas means is a hell of a lot of work. you have to put up the tree and the lights, and all that shit just so you can take it down in a month anyway. someone describe the joy of hanging ornaments on a tree cause i just dont see it. i just spent the last hour in the living room with my mom. her handing me ornaments, me putting them on the tree. it was soo depressing. it was all quiet, we didnt even talk. except for when i told her i'd rather vomit than decorate the stupid tree and she said i was mentally ill. i hate christmas music. that shit has to be the most annoying crap ive ever heard. and we all have to spend our stupid fucking time studying for finals anyway. and i have to spend aaalll my money buying people im not really even friends with presents i cant afford. its such a fricken waste. i'd rather spend the little money i own on myself than have to be indebted to my parents for the next two months after christmas. besides the presents i get are ALWAYS for shit. i just hate christmas. so much. i hate cold weather, i hate sitting around with family- practically FORCED to pretend to be happy even if your not. good god, i just want this month to be over with as fast as possible.

went to =w= last night. great great fun. although, i must admit- weezer is not a very sociable band. they got up on stage and just sang their songs. didn't crack a joke, or a smile the whole concert. in fact, they didnt say a DAMN word in between songs. they just did theyre little duty as band members and left. which, to me, was concerning. jimmie eat world was so good, and tenacious d was hilarious. then, weezer, the STARS of the show get up there, everyone is FREAKING out, and theyre so...bored looking. the night was not a bad one tho, mind you. get this *uh hem*: okay so we arrive at the ft worth convention center, when low and behold taylor gammon himself walks up to us. he claims he found a room with wristbands to get onto the floor. [our seats were upper balcony. absolutely utter crap.] so, taylor and his friend direct us to this room where waffles is standing outside contemplating whether or not to go and steal some wristbands. here's where i would like to add something. these kids are suppose to be these 'rebelious', 'done every drug in the book', 'anti-authority' kids, and yet theyre pissin their pants tryin to decide whether or not to get these wristbands. so what do i do? i walk in, grab a handful, and walk out. i was like THE messiah for about 5 minutes. then we didnt see taylor and his friends for the rest of the concert. i had 5 wristbands left over and i sold them to these chicks next to us for ten bucks a piece. then, with a little help from joel and riyad, ashlye and i got onto the floor and 'rocked out', if you will.

god it feels like YEARS since my last entry. it was only 9 days ago. =/ my life is quite uneventful. except for the radio station thing. *here's where you steam off envious jealousy* envious jealousy. i dont think that makes sense. i'm going to san antonio for thanksgiving break to visit james's family. wont be here for awhile. i know i'll be missed. ::sigh:: thats just one of the reprocussions you take with being popular. time for me to go read my fanmail. -you know, big radio star and all.

found some great bands. went to cd world in dallas friday. it was a lot of fun. i've decided its okay to be 'one of the guys' once in awhile. i'm not a tomboy, but i'm not that exceedingly girly. so download some stuff by THE GLORIA RECORD. great stuff. particularly MISERERE. dont ask me what that name means. i found their cd at cd world, but i didnt buy it. because im a poor poor lass. but what can you do. i have every intention of going back next weekend and gettin it after my i get my paycheck. ha. i love saying that. MY PAYCHECK. i dont even have a real job.

i got a zit on my right cheek that could knock yo mama out. seriously tho, this sucker is fucking huge. if you look at my face from a profile view it looks like ive got a head growing out of my head. and its not like I can pop it… oh , hell no, i cannot pop this bitch. why you ask? because i KNOW the second i lay a finger on this biznitch it will send out for recruits and 20 more of the little bastards will be all over my face by morning. and thats not all. the damn thing hurts so damn bad. it's like its developed its own central nervous system or something. the wind has to so much as blow on it, and i get shrills of pain throughout my entire body- causing me to wince- making a facial expression that could cause the elephant man to go blind. its horrible. so i tell my mom that i would greatly appreciate it if she would make me an appointment with the dermatologist. she looks at me with a disgusted look on her face, almost like she's angry, and says, “there's nothing the dermatologist can do about THAT.” then she points to my zit like it's a fucking tumor or something. for all i know it is. i'm getting all emotional from it. and those of you who are vomiting all over your pretty complexions right about now, can suck on a turd because i really don't care if this is disgusting. i needed to vent. and now i have. goodnight.

this weekend was very fun. i went to southlake carrol for a debate/drama tournament and it was great fun. i'll admit, there were parts where i was just sittin there BORED, but for the most part it was really fun. met lots of new people. saw cameron. that was interesting. i felt like i had some sort of upperhanded power over him. i dont really know why, but i did. and i liked that. so i got the new STROKES cd. and my god it is so good. the juliana theory cd that i got last week blows. no really. but this cd is quite shibby. oh my god i just said shibby. never again emily. never again.

i finally got THE JULIANA THEORY cd. after going up to best buy week after week for freaking ever they finally got them in. im listening to it now. only 6 songs- 27 minutes of completely uncompleted music in transition between albums. albums that i DONT have. i've come to the conclusion that when i get older im going to open up a music store with 'hard to find' stuff. like high-fidelity. only with much much better music. i also want to run a radio station from the cd store. how cool would that be? yeah well, in order to get the money to do such a thing im going to be a pharmacist. apparently the starting salary for those babies is 90 thou a year. plus i dont have to go to school for 50 years like a regular doctor would, and i dont have to be on call or cut people open and whatnot. yeah so i got my future planned out. woo hoo go me. adventure club tonite. got my blank tapes ready to go.

well im all used up. no really. everythings been sucked out of me. this week is dull. i think being alone has a lot to do with it. you know, without a boyfriend. im not hurting or sad, im just blah. all the freaking time. something exciting could seep out of some crack and surprise me for the love of god. im a needy bitch, but who isnt. and even music is so...blah. all of it. i think i need to go shopping. that might help. i also need somewhere cool to go. like spain. god im a needy bitch. im just so...blah.

today was great. total freaks of nature were just exploding all over the place. (a) i woke up thirty minutes later than i was suppose to and i still made it to school with plenty of time. (b) i didnt do my math homework, and mrs coats didn't take it up (c) i didn't read billy budd, and we didnt even TALK about it today in english.(c) i didnt study for my notecard quiz in history and we didn't have one. (d) i got an A+ on my history powerpoint which is nuts because that was the biggest piece of shit ive ever thrown together in my life. (e) i didn't do my physics research outline and mr. beam gave me an entire days extention. (f) i failed my midterm in physics (third one in a row) and i still pulled out with a B- in the class. which is crazy, that makes NO sense. i know beam did something to the grade. musta been rigged. for the first time ever in MY favor.(g) and i did my computer science homework for the first time ever! i was so proud. -today was so great. i give it a 10.

so kevin dumped me. [insert long pause here for you to gasp in horror and disbelief]. yes, THIS is why im on my ever long journey to accomplish asexualism. boys suck. i mean, ALL of them. they have a totally different frame of mind than girls. totally different. just like all guys handwriting sucks, and girls doesnt. why is that? i mean, there is no logical explanation for that. its the same thing with relationships. guys always initiate all the damn foundations for the relationship- then they get all swishy and confused about what they want. then the foundations that THEY laid crumble and fall on YOU. and the girl always suffers just because she's flexible and no guy knows what he wants. but for now i have my new cure music to listen to until i get over all this shit. and if anyone wants to start an emily support group, by all means, dont let me stop you.

PSATs today. yuck. i think i did really bad. i was just sitting there during the english part, and i would read a sentence. then i would realize that i had no idea what that sentence just said. i couldnt concentrate AT ALL. so i would tell myself 'emily, this is important. read the sentence again'. so i would. and i couldnt remember one word out of the whole sentence like 2 seconds after i read it. i just couldnt freaking concentrate. so i think i did horrible. probably did worse than last year. at least last year i CARED. erg. oh well. whatcha gonna do. everyone in school is bowling. im not though, WHY? because i dont have to! muhahah! ...

time for me to add to the website that nobody goes to again. its kind of nice cause i know i can say what i want. or not. whatevah. so friday i went to kevins. same with saturday. it was great great fun. *wink wink* im eating fig newtons. mmm in all their figgy newtony-ness. thats a funny name- fig. i think i'll name my kid that. figment. like the dragon. wouldnt that be torture? i want to go to disneyworld. reaal bad. i have 160 buckaroos. im a rich rich man. err lady. im skippy today. all random like. i dont like it ~ i have trouble holding a train of thought. i think i'll go run in place in my room and turn my music up real loud. that always helps. i think because it kills my brain cells. oh well, those things are overated anyway.

got another D on a physics test. got the SHITTY part in the play. a part that nobody knew exsisted...my character is buried within all the freaking SUBSTANTIAL parts. big freaking surprise id get the crap role again. *puts mr averill on PEOPLE TO KILL list* ...anyway, we got our yearbooks today. its depressing the hell out of me. theres this picture in the back of hillary stinson, jodi worsham, ericka johanesson, etc etc and it says "GIRLFRIENDS ARE THE SISTERS THAT YOU PICK" - or something to that effect. that SERIOUSLY depresses me. i dont know why. but on top of all of this poo i have kevin. ::sigh:: *smiles* me and ashlye were talking about everybodys problems last nite on the fone. then we got to me. and she said "you and kevin are just smoooth sailing." i was happy. she's right. im smooth sailling guys. screw the physics and the drama and my depressing ass school. i have a boyyyfrriieennndd and iii reeallyyy liiikkee hiimmm !! anndd youuu doonntt hhaavvee onnne!

its thundering outside. its kinda scary. today blew. i got a D on my physics test while everyone else got an A+. thats the worst. i dont want to be stupid. also we had auditions for our play in drama today. god knows mr averill hates my freaking guts and will give me whatever part nobody else wants. oh well. boo freaking who. and i have to write an 8 page play for drama too to enter it into some contest. what the hell. i mean seriously, what the freaking hell. i cant do that! this whole world is based on foundations cores and ideals that dont really exsist! no kid can write some contest winning play! its a joke! theres this really cool picture of michael that megan took. real cool.

so about this "hooking up" thing ashlye was working on...well...it worked. [ ! ] i know, im about as surprised as you are. its crazy. i mean, things between me and kevin have really, well gone somwhere would be the best way to put it. yeah so things are really great between us. anyhoo ~ i started having heart thingies. i had to wear a heart moniter and i went to the hospital like ALL day yesterday so they could run like gabillion tests just to find out nothing is wrong. i think im crazy. no really.

but anyway im going 'shopping' with my mom. for her. of course. blah. not looking forward to it. but its alrite- maybe we can go to waffle house when she wakes up. i like waffle house. a lot. its really good, and the people that work there will like talk to you for hours. ~ i start babysitting monday. yippee! i miss josh and ethan. PLUS (and this is a BIG plus) they are paying me 60 bucks a week. which is great. i only watch them an hour and a half a day, and i actually enjoy it. i mean, if it came down to it, i'd probably do it for free. and not only am i getting paid a bunch, im getting paid for extra time- even when im not working. isnt that great? thats how bad the mom wants me to work for them. i feel so wanted.

so i went out of my house today. no folks, not with shamaila- surprisingly. it was very refreshing. i liked it. anyhoo, my internet is being so retardedly gay, it wont connect right. and im trying to download some really fab dashboard confessional songs. if you havent heard anything by them, try 'brilliant dance', its really pretty. now let me tell you how GAY the people at best buy are. alright, i call them up to see if they have that cd. alright, well when they FINALLY answer their damn fone, and i ask the guy to check for the cd, he has like absolutely no idea what to do. so he hangs up. i call back and its the same person. and he's like, "can i just take a message? todd's not here right now. he handles that stuff.." so he asks for my name/number. and im like 'is anybody even going to CALL me about this?' the guy justs laughs. and then he's like, 'ok, whats the name of the cd?' so i tell him. total retard cant figure out how to spell dashboard, OR confessional. he's all, ' D, A, S, H... F...' im like, 'noo.' and i have to spell it out to him. no joke. its such a pain in the ass that now im going to have to go UP there to see if they have the cd. i wanted to say, 'alright, retardo, dont you think it would just save us both a lot of time and hassle if you just stop your desperate attempts for writing this down, and just go over to your little magic computer, type it in, and see what comes up?' but i didnt. because the guy's head might have exploded. i mean, if he tried to think, or do his job for that matter.

lalala. i cant think because my radio is on. but i dont want to turn it off because if i do the silence will annoy me. so if this rambles on about nothing and is about on a second grade reading level, im sorry. so what did i do today. ah yes! babysit! funny story, not when i tell it.. but i will tell you anyway. cause it was very funny at the time. well the kids that i babysit (josh, 11, ethan, 8) they have these mice. two of them. and they take the mice out of the cages, put them in their little mousey balls and let them run around on the floor. but when they do this, they have to put daisy (the dog) outside or else she'll attack the little mousies. so, after many attempted tries of putting the dog outside, josh simply shut all the doors to the living room. afterwards josh put the little mousy balls on the floor and preceded to chant, "haha! daisy is a stupid dog! she cant come in here!! LOOOSEERRR!" .. and im not joking. (i was on the other side of the door, i saw) with one incredible bounding leap daisy jumped and acutally knocked these two french doors open and scared little josh out of his skin. i was almost crying i was laughing so hard. crazy dog. crazy mouse. crazy boy. ahh.

so i woke up with horrid nightmares. school started. sometimes i get flushed with depressing realizations of some things. and i know its overloaded. and unreal. and sometimes you can make things up in your head that can seem so real to you, you'll defend yourself to the death. its stupid. right? SAY ITS STUPID!!1!! righty well. i had other dreams too. i bought my car [yay!] and greg started dating some girl named lacey [un-yay]. im listening to adventure club- everyonce in awhile they play something phenominal. i totally spelled that wrong. like new found glory, and ataris, and rocket summer. i heard all of them over a year ago- first- on adventure club. except ataris i heard them about 8 mnths ago. if you dont listen to them, you definetly should. ataris are the same as new found glory in a lot of ways, but rocket summer is different. go download something.

so i found this chick on the internet. and shes really pretty and very smart. she uses all these words that i have no idea what they mean. shes extremely poetic, except she uses the word fuck too much. she lives the perfect artist life style. talks about watching people in a park and taking the train from starbucks back home where she makes her mom cry by telling her she smells like rotting something and her hair looks stupid. worries about getting drunk too soon at night. hopes for a ride home when she misses the train. gets lucky. or stranded. blah blah blah. so where and how do these people exsist? its so movie like. i mean, shes so...typical- but not. shes like this perfectly titled something. artist i guess. dunno. but she has this totally unrefined taste in music. she refuses to list any music that might actually be heard by common people. cause shes afraid to be categorized or something. anyway, im jealous of her. because i want to be like her, but i dont. and i know i never will. and she had an ugly name. justine. i dont have friends that would go watch people in a park with me. hell, i dont have friends. and come to think of it...that would get boring after like five minutes anyway. who knows. i cant stand people who hang out at starbucks. its so intellecutal wanna-be like. plus i cant stand coffee.

well im back to writing a journal. which we all know will last about three days. anyhoo, shamaila and shahana just left after staying here for eight days and now its back to me sitting on my fat ass. at home. all day. pretending i am somewhere else. doing something cool. but im not cool. *sigh* this is the first year that im not looking forward to going back to school AT ALL. it didnt even feel like summer. just a really long spring break or something. gay. this is also the first time in years that ive actually had money. its crazy. i couldnt even tell you where it all came from. but i remember, back in the day, when buying a CD was like this huge deal. now i buy like 4 at a time. every other day. fabulous. i get my car soon. and im scared out of my butt because i know im going to get in a wreck. im like a total retard when it comes to driving. i never speed, i try sooo hard to be careful, and yet every time i still manage to pull out in front of cars. its happened like 5 times. and i drove on the wrong side of the road. all kinds of things. totallllly retarded. if you ask me, if you are careful you should automatically become a good driver. but oh well. it also scares the leaving poop out of me that im going to be babysitting kids, and driving them. ahhh! im having a nervous breakdown. i hate school, and summer reading. what the hell is up with that?!?! i mean, i can understand havin to read for an AP class or somethin... but 4 books?? its like GO AWAY stupid school. they have to be up in our faces allll the time. well im gonna go. im excited cuz james just went to the grocery store. he's gettin WOW chips for me. zero fat. im going to eat the whole bag when he gets home. i have the whole night planned. im out.